# A cute joke



## luckylynn (Sep 11, 2011)

*Where am I?* 
Where I Have and Have Not Been


I have been in many places but never have been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go there alone; you have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I have also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have never been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there.

I have been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

And more and more I think of the Here After. In fact, several times a day I enter a room and think "What am I here after?"


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## hideout (Feb 12, 2011)

good one:thumbup1:


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## artmart (Sep 21, 2010)

This is no joke, but it's very clever.


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## csinns (Mar 1, 2010)

Love that! I find myself in the Here After mode a lot!


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## larr-bear (Oct 2, 2011)

I like it !!


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## Atwood (Oct 25, 2011)

I like that but i think it may be joke i am not sure but it's nice.


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## Jonesycampgirl (Jul 16, 2018)

A question, have you ever been in Limbo? I here people can get stuck there.


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## Babstreefern (Jun 22, 2018)

Brilliant. Wouldn't be great if there was a section for jokes only! So if you're in "depression", you can laugh yourself silly and feel a lot better


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## Babstreefern (Jun 22, 2018)

*One day a man decided to retire. 

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. 

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. 

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. 

In disbelief, he asks,” Where did you come from? How did you get here?" 

She replies,** "I rowed round from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman.” I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman, **"On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. **I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned. 

"Let's row round to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house. 

While the woman ties up the row boat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Please sit down."

"Would you like a drink?" **"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. **"I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"Oh it's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. 

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"*
*
*
*When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her. 

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you played around? She stares into his eyes. 

He can't believe what he's hearing.” You mean. .." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes, 
*!
!
!
!
!
!
!
*"You've built a Golf Course too?"*


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## Jonesycampgirl (Jul 16, 2018)

:laugh::vs_laugh:


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## Babstreefern (Jun 22, 2018)

Here's another one for the Christmas spirit, which I think you will enjoy and have a laugh


Political correctness with a laugh - enjoy and a Merry Christmas everyone:


*WHILE SHEPHERDS WATCHED*
“While shepherds watched their flocks by night 
All seated on the ground,
The Angel of the Lord came down,
And Glory shone around.”


The Union of Shepherds has complained that it breaches Health and Safety Regulations to insist the shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided. Therefore, benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs must be available. Shepherds have also requested that, due to inclement weather they should watch their flocks via CCTV cameras behind centrally heated shepherd observation huts. The Angel of the Lord is reminded that before shining his/her Glory all around, the shepherds must be issued with glasses capable of filtering out any harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory lighting.


*LITTLE DONKEY*
“Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road, 
Got to keep on plodding onwards, with your precious load.”


The RSPCA has issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry. Also in the guidelines are permitted feeding breaks, and at least one rest break in a four-hour plodding period. Due to the risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary & Joseph are required to wear face masks. The ‘Little Donkey’ has expressed his discomfort as being labelled ‘Little’ and would prefer to being simply referred to as ‘Mr Donkey’. Comments upon his height or otherwise are considered to be a breach of his equine rights.


*WE THREE KINGS*
“We three Kings of Orient are, 
Bearing gifts we traverse afar, Field and fountain, Moor and Mountain, Following yonder star. ”


Whilst the gift of Gold is still considered acceptable – as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as ‘Cash4Gold’ etc – gifts of Frankincense and Myrrh are not appropriate due to the risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. An acceptable alternative might be a gift voucher. It is not recommended that traversing Kings should rely on star navigation, and would advise the use of AA Routefinder or Sat Nav. Both can provide the quickest route and advise on fuel consumption. As in the case of Mr Donkey, the three camels require regular rest and food breaks and facemasks for the three Kings are obligatory due to the likelihood of desert dust disturbed by the camel hooves.


*THE ROCKING CAROL*
“Little Jesus sweetly sleep, do not stir,
We will lend a coat of fur, 
We will rock you, rock you, rock you, We will rock you, rock you, rock you, ”


Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants due to the risk of allergy and for ethical reasons. Therefore, false fur, a cellular blanket or, perhaps, micro-fleece material should be considered alternatives. Please note that, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records (CRB) bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock Baby Jesus. Persons must carry their CRB disclosure at all times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before any rocking commences.


*JINGLE BELLS*
“Dashing through the snow on a one-horse open sleigh, 
Over fields we go – laughing all the way. ”


A Risk Assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to ride. The Risk Assessment should also consider whether the use on only one horse in appropriate – particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Permission from landowners must be gained before entering any ‘Open Fields’. To avoid offending those not participating in the venture, it is required that only ‘moderate’ laughter is used and not at a noise level likely to be of nuisance to others.


*RUDOLPH THE RED NOSED REINDEER*
“Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer, had a very shiny nose, 
And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glows, All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names, They never let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games. ”


You are advised that, under the Equal Opportunities Policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment upon the ruddiness of Mr R Reindeer. Name-calling contravenes our Anti-Bullying policy, and further to this, the exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from any reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against anyone found guilty of this offence. A full investigation will be implemented, leading to imposing sanctions such as a ban from hanging up stockings or enjoying Christmas dinner.


*AWAY IN A MANGER*
“Away in a manger – no crib for a bed … ”


Refer to Social Services immediately


[RSPCA - Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals]


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## barongan (Aug 8, 2018)

I like it !!


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## frankgibbons (Oct 31, 2019)

I like the joke. It's good.


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## Babstreefern (Jun 22, 2018)

A blonde walks into a bank in London and asks to see the manager. She says she's going to Hong Kong on business for two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000. 


The manager says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Ferrari.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. 


The manager and the tellers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a £200,000 Ferrari as collateral against a £5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. 
Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the £5,000 and the interest, which comes to £17.41. 


The manager says, 'Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. 


While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a millionairess. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow £5,000?' 


The blonde replies...'Where else in central London can I park my car for two weeks for only £17.41 and expect it to be there when I return?' 


Hooray! 
A smart blonde joke at last!!


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## Babstreefern (Jun 22, 2018)

To me ajjustin, anything that you can either smile or laugh at can be a joke. All jokes doesn't have to have a pun attached to it


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## dangeun (Feb 2, 2020)

This thread is filled with nice jokes that truly makes a big break from camping topics. Although most jokes are related to camping and travel, they insipire to take new steps and go to more adventures.


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## Fancypants (Feb 27, 2020)

That's quite clever. Make it a thread of jokes. As they say laughter is the best medicine.
northshoregasfitters.info/


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## Babstreefern (Jun 22, 2018)

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years." 

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?" 

And God saw that it was good. 

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span." 

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God again saw that it was good. 

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years." 

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life: you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" 

And God agreed that it was good. 

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years." 

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?" 
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it." 

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone. 

Life has now been explained to you. 

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. 

If you are looking for me, I will be on the front porch!

WOOF WOOF !


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## Babstreefern (Jun 22, 2018)

This is for Coronavirus lockdown:


>> ﻿Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.
>> * I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe.
>> * I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.
>> * Still haven't decided where to go for Easter ----- The Living Room or The Bedroom
>> * PSA: every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.
>> * Homeschooling is going well. 2 students suspended for fighting and 1 teacher fired for drinking on the job.
>> * I don't think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks we'd go from Standard Time to the Twilight Zone
>> * This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house, told my dog..... we laughed a lot.
>> * Quarantine Day 5: Went to this restaurant called THE KITCHEN. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
>> * My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet.
>> * Day 5 of Homeschooling: One of these little monsters called in a bomb threat.
>> * I'm so excited --- it's time to take out the garbage. What should I wear?
>> * I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to Puerto Backyarda. I'm getting tired of Los Livingroom.
>> * Classified Ad: Single man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer for good clean fun.
>> * Day 6 of Homeschooling: My child just said "I hope I don't have the same teacher next year".... I'm offended.
>>


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## Babstreefern (Jun 22, 2018)

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000. 00

His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court. 

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer
who knows sign language. 

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about"

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase,buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house. 

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

Don't you just love lawyers?


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## Babstreefern (Jun 22, 2018)

*An elderly couple was flying to Hawaii for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 50th anniversary. 

*Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives.”

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. 

An hour later, the husband turns to his wife and asks, “Honey, did we pay the car bill this month?”

“No, sweetheart” she responds. 

Sill shaken from the crash landing, he then asks, “Did we pay our credit card bill yet?”

“Oh no! I’m sorry. I forgot to send the check,” she says. 

“One last thing, did you remember to pay the medical bill for the hospital visit last month?” he asks. 

“Oh, forgive me, sweetheart,” begged the wife. “I didn’t send that one, either.”

The husband grabs her and gives her the biggest hug in 50 years. She pulls away and asks him, “So, why did you hug me?”

The husband answers, “They’ll find us!”


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## Babstreefern (Jun 22, 2018)

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly ***** himself, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'

Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he whispered to the parrot.

'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'

The burglar calmed down. 'Warn me, you think so ? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'


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## Babstreefern (Jun 22, 2018)

Patterson’s Butchers, Sheffield, England

Just in case anyone is stressing about Christmas Day, here's my top tip for Christmas Dinner (equally, it could relate to your Thanksgiving as well)...

I have concluded that the inevitable stress of Christmas dinner is created by adverts, supermarkets and TV chefs...

It's a Sunday dinner for goodness sake!!!

The only difference is that you are allowed to open a bottle of wine before you open the kitchen curtains.

We do it quite happily 51 weeks of the year but can we, the consumers, be trusted to manage by ourselves on one day of the year...apparently not!

Here goes:-

1. Turkey... It's a big fecking chicken that's all, 20 minutes per lb plus 20 minutes at 180 degrees - jobs a good 'un! Get yourselves a meat thermometer £3 off the Internet, poke it in the offending bird, if it says 75 degrees or over, its cooked!

2. Stuffing - regardless of what Jamie Oliver (tv chef) says you do NOT need 2lbs of shoulder of pork, onions breadcrumbs, pinenuts and a ***** load of fresh herbs to make stuffing...( no fecking wonder he's bankrupt if that's what he spends to make stuffing!)

What you need is Paxo (Supermarket dried stuffing mix) and a kettle!! If you wanna liven it up, squeeze 3 sausages out of their skins, and mix that in with your Paxo before cooking.

3. Gravy - Jamie Oliver is copping for this one as well....

Bisto Jamie.... All you need is Bisto (supermarket dried gravy, just add water)!
I (nor anyone else I know) has got time on Christmas Eve to ***** about roasting chicken wings and vegetables, adding stock and flour, cooking it for another half hour, mashing it all up with a potato masher, and then straining the whole sorry mess to make gravy.

4. Vegetables... Never mind faffing round shredding sprouts and frying them with bacon and chestnuts to make them more palatable... If you don't like them don't buy and cook the fecking things!! If your family only eat frozen peas, then that's good enough!

5. Roast potatoes... Yes, I par boil mine, then roast them in goose fat, but Aunt Bessie (frozen supermarket potatoes) also does the same.

6. Trimmings /Christmas pudding and the like.... Aldi or Lidl (supermarkets)!
(oh, and while we're on the subject of pudding, if Birds custard (food brand) is what your family likes on the wretched thing then that's fine - you do not need brandy butter/ rum sauce, etc, or anything else that costs a fecking fortune and takes 2 hours to make!)

7. Family....
Children.. Feed the little blighters first separately, if they only want turkey with tomato sauce - fine leave 'em to it, it doesn't matter. Once they are fed, ***** them off to play with their Christmas presents so that YOU can enjoy your dinner in peace!

Adults... Anyone that can manage to get their sorry backside to your dinner table is also capable of helping to serve up/sort the kids out/clear the table/wash up/dry up, etc.

And Finally.....
NO ONE.... And I mean no one, APART FROM THE COOK, IS ALLOWED TO GET ***** AND FALL ASLEEP BEFORE THE WASHING UP IS DONE!!!

Rant over

Merry Christmas!

Cheers from a Yorkshireman. Please note, that 1) I'm not a Yorkshireman, and 2) I'm not a man)


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## Babstreefern (Jun 22, 2018)

6 Points to Ponder as 2020 draws to a close:-

1. The daftest thing I ever bought was a 2020 planner.
2. 2019: Stay away from negative people. 2020: Stay away from positive people.
3. The world has turned upside down. Old folks are sneaking out of the house and their kids are yelling at them to stay indoors!
4. Does anyone know if we can take showers yet or should we just keep washing our hands?
5. I never thought the comment, “I wouldn’t touch him/her with a 6-foot pole” would become a national policy, but here we are!
6. Never in a million years could I have imagined I would go up to a bank teller with a mask on and ask for money.


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## Babstreefern (Jun 22, 2018)

HOMESCHOOLING SCHEDULE

9:00	Horticulture:	Learn how to make me a cuppa
10:00	Engineering:	Learn how to operate washing machine and hoover
11:00	PE: Take the rubbish out
1:00	Chemistry:	How to bleach the bathroom
2:00	Geography:	Learn where the items thrown around the bedroom actually belong
3:00	Horticulture:	Chopping veg
4:00	Science:	Learn how hot water and washing up liquid removes grease from pans
5:00	After school club: Go to room with iPad and be quiet


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## Babstreefern (Jun 22, 2018)

A German lorry driver in a pub in Newcastle is gobbing off how lazy British truck drivers are. He's bragging that he drives his load from Hamburg, goes through Holland, Belgium up to Newcastle and back to Hamburg in just two days.

This old Geordie man mutters up, "Ah, way ay I used to pickup me load in Newcastle, drop off in Hamburg and be back in Newcastle for a fish and chip supper the same day".The gobby German trucker said, " Oh yah, vot rig were you driving then?"

After taking long swig of his Pint of Newcastle Brown, the old fella replied "It was a Lancaster bomber."


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## Babstreefern (Jun 22, 2018)

FIRST DAY AS A PILOT…

Control Tower:	Can you give me your position?

Me: I’m next to a cloud that looks like a lion

Control Tower:	Can you be more specific?

Me: Simba


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## Babstreefern (Jun 22, 2018)

Does anyone know for how long you have to cook boil in the bag fish... You don’t get any instructions from the funfair...

I ate lots of Kinder Eggs today...
I’m full of surprises...

The teacher said I could take the class hamster home for the school holidays... Well here I am in South America...


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## Babstreefern (Jun 22, 2018)

For all the people queuing for McDonalds.

I was at the McDonald’s drive-through this morning and a young lady behind me leaned on her horn and started mouthing something because I was taking too long to place my order. So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own. The McDonalds worker must have told her what I'd done, As soon as i moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed.... "Thank you." obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with kindness. When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too. Now she has to go back to the end of the queue and start all over again,

DON'T blow your horn and get rude! Be patient.


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